BY RATNA SINGH

Ah, the Indian jungle safari—a place where nature flourishes, the untamed roam free, and wildlife guides slowly lose their sanity. While conservationists and naturalists dedicate their lives to preserving forests, a different species threatens to disrupt this delicate balance. No, it’s not poachers. It’s the tourists.

Now, don’t get me wrong. We love tourists. After all, they fuel local economies and add to conservation efforts. But some of them, dear reader, seem determined to make a jungle guide’s life more adventurous than necessary. Here’s a field guide to the most common species of safari tourists—each one more challenging than the last.

1. The ‘Tiger-Ya-Nothing’ Tourist

This species believes that a jungle safari is a private screening of Sher Khan: The Movie, and they are the chief guests. They have no patience for birds, deer, or—heaven forbid—a sloth bear. The moment the safari starts, their first question is: “Tiger kahaan hai?” (Where’s the tiger?).

No amount of explanation about ecosystems, biodiversity, or the joy of spotting a rare pangolin will satisfy them. If no tiger appears, they look at you like you’ve personally conspired with the jungle gods to ruin their trip. And when you suggest that the jungle is not a zoo, they mutter, “Paisa barbaad ho gaya” (Money wasted).

You start your safari by loudly asking, “Tiger kahaan hai?” (-5 points)
You sulk if shown birds, deer, or (God forbid) a rare sloth bear. (-10 points)
You declare the trip "paisa barbaad" if no tiger is sighted. (-15 points)
You enjoy spotting jackals, owls and enjoy the wilderness in its entirety. (+20 points)

2. The ‘Dabangg’ Photographer

Armed with a camera lens the size of a small missile launcher, this tourist believes that every animal in the jungle exists solely to pose for Nat Geo cover shots. They will lean dangerously out of the safari jeep, whispering “Bhaiya, thoda aur aage chalao na” (Brother, go a little closer). If the guide refuses, they insinuate monetary rewards for breaking rules. In extreme cases, they have been known to make animal calls just to get that one perfect shot. They also believe that ‘No Flash Photography’ signs are mere suggestions. 

 Your camera lens is longer than the jeep & you hog sightings, other tourists be damned!. (-15 points)
You goad the driver to get closer to animals despite clear rules. (-15 points)
You tease animals/imitate calls that sound like a strangled cat. (-15 points)
You respect the animals’ space, click responsibly &   (+20 points)

3. The ‘DJ Safari’ Gang

This rare but highly disruptive breed believes that a jungle safari is the perfect occasion to blast Honey Singh and Badshah songs. They will argue, “Arre, even tigers like a little music, na?”These safari-goers are often found singing, laughing loudly, and occasionally attempting to play Antakshari while a leopard stalks nearby, wondering what it did in its past life to deserve this.

You blast Bollywood remixes in the jungle. (-15 points)
You constantly speak out loud as a predator is out on a hunt (-20 points)
You ‘pssst’, cough or call to make the animal look up for a photo (-20 points)
You appreciate the silence & sounds of the forest. (+20 points)

4. The ‘National Geographic Uncle’

This species has watched three episodes of a wildlife documentary and now considers themselves a greater authority on nature than Sir David Attenborough. “Did you know,” they begin, launching into a Wikipedia-fueled monologue about the mating habits of hornbills, while the actual guide sits in stunned silence. They loudly ‘correct’ guides, misidentify animals with great confidence, and occasionally, when feeling extra bold, declare, “I think that’s a cheetah”, while pointing at a spotted deer.

You confidently misidentify animals and insist you know better. (-10 points)
You give unsolicited lectures to guides. (-5 points)
You ‘correct’ the guide based on something you half-remember from Discovery Channel. (-10 points)
You ask intelligent questions and let the guide do their job. (+20 points)

5. The ‘Snack Attack’ Aunties

This group approaches the jungle safari with the same meticulous preparation as a train journey. They arrive laden with theplas, samosas, kachoris, and the unmistakable scent of mango pickle. They leave behind a trail of foil wrappers/napkins leaving the guides and drivers to constantly get off the vehicle to pick litter. They believe the best accompaniment to alarm calls in the jungle are a packet of Kurkure being opened at full volume. 

You bring a picnic hamper which you try to devour on drive. (-5 points)
You litter and offer snacks to the wildlife (GASP!). ( -15 points)
You throw fruit peel/vegetable matter in the park calling it biodegradable.  (-5 points) 
You eat at park’s the designate spot & don’t feed the wildlife. (+20 points)

6. The ‘Selfie Soldiers’

For this category, the jungle is merely a backdrop for their next viral Instagram post. Safety warnings do not apply to them. If a tiger is spotted, they will immediately jump up and exclaim, “One selfie toh banta hai!”Even if there’s an elephant trumpeting in warning, they will insist on posing dangerously close, captioning their photo later with “Adventure is in my DNA”—while the forest officials prepare an obituary.

You lean dangerously out of the jeep for "just one selfie". (-15 points)
You are focus on selfies & miss being in the moment. (-5 points)
You balance capturing the moment with enjoying the view. (+15 points)
You enjoy the experience rather than performing only for social media. (+20 points)

7. The ‘Reluctant Plus-One’

This unfortunate soul has been dragged into the safari by an overenthusiastic spouse or friend. They have no interest in wildlife, no concept of patience, and no intention of staying awake.

They will spend the entire safari either complaining about the bumpy ride or sleeping soundly—waking up only to groggily ask, “Abhi tak tiger nahi aaya?”

You are here because your spouse/friend forced you. (+5 points for being a sport!)
You sleep on safari, waking up only to ask, "Abhi tak tiger nahi dikha?" (-5 points)
You complain about the bumpy ride and lack of WiFi. (-5 points)
You get curious and actually start enjoying the experience. (+15 points)

Final Score Tally:

80+ points: Born Naturalist – Guides love you! Come again!
50–79 points: Respectable Safari-Goer – You mean well, just need to fine-tune a few things.
20–49 points: Mild Jungle Menace – Work on your jungle etiquette.
Below 20 points: Absolute Safari Nightmare – The jungle wants a restraining order.